I thought that I had replied to this AGES ago!
Thank you. So much!
I am really proud of how this one turned out, and so glad that I had the inspiration, resulting in a poem not stemming from my own bottled emotions.
I don't particularly like that line myself either, but it was the thing that came to mind, and after inspection of the rhymes of "out" there was nothing else I could come up with to fit there.